Save our cultural heritage!

America's cultural heritage is at risk.

Worse yet, the very people who should be preserving our cultural heritage, America's teachers, are responsible.

Witness the case of the Gwinnett County, Georgia school system, and its complicit administrators. Beth Anne Cox, a student at Peachtree Ridge High School, was suspended, allegedly for threatening teachers. Her threat? A song, which began...

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with blood
I shot my poor teacher

Everyone, sing along with me!

With a .44 slug

So, you knew that line was coming, too? And why is that?

Because it's a song that every American student knows. It is certainly no threat; it's not even unique.

Thinking back to the halcyon days of my youth, I was a good kid. But that's a lie. I now realize that I was constantly threatening my teachers and school administrators. Like with this song:

Glory, glory to the elementary school
We have tortured all the teachers, we have broken all the rules
The principal tried to stop us, but we flushed him down the stool
The kids are marching on

Glory, glory hallelujah
Teacher spanked me with a ruler
Took her to the bank
Shot her with an Army tank*
The kids are marching on

And I evaded expulsion despite being known to sing the following:

Joy to the world, the school burned down
And all the teachers died
Except for the principal
He's hanging from the flagpole
With the rope around his neck
With the rope around his neck
With the rope, the rope around his neck

And I clearly should have been institutionalized, or at the very least sent to a halfway house, for the dangerous threats of this song:

Deck the halls with gasoline
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Light a match and watch it gleam
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the school burn to ashes
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Aren't you glad you play with matches
Fa la la la la, la la la la

A mere twenty years ago, silly songs were silly songs. Now, overzealous administrators and cowardly teachers see dangerous threats in every classic playground rhyme.

These silly songs are, quite simply, part of America's cultural heritage. It was truly remarkable how, no matter where we were, we picked up these songs. And forget multiculturalism. No matter where we're from, or the color of our skin, we were bound together with the other schoolchildren in the same way. We were all taken away from our freedom, our playtime, by those evil teachers and principals, and trapped in that horrible school.

Administrators need to tone down the hypersensitivity. As punishment for their stupidity, I sentence the Gwinnett County administrators to a month of playground duty, where hopefully, they'll learn a lesson or two about our culture.

*Alternate couplets:
Shot her in the butt / With a loaded coconut
Shot her in the rear / With a can of Miller beer

(As noted by Best of the Web)